Something About Nothing

I need to do something about my anger. I definitely have too much of it and it always bubbles up and boils over in the worst possible ways. I ALWAYS take my anger out on people I love, whether it’s their fault I’m angry or not, I find ways to make them accountable.

What happens in my brain is an utter cliché, it genuinely feels like something has just CLICKED inside me, and I have a right to be angry. I’ve noticed that the smallest thing can set me off, and it can be something that, if offered to me on a different day may well not budge my interest at all.

Right now, I’m in a very nonchalant mood. Things annoy me when I think about them, but I feel too drained to think about them. I have no motivation for anything right now, I should be happy about the feedback I’ve had recently, in terms of my professional persona, but I just couldn’t give a shit. I really, really should be worried about my OU module and be cranking up the reading, but again, I couldn’t give a shit. I should be exercising, I should be eating better, I should be reading, I should be writing. But I’m not. And I don’t really care.

It’s such a harmful place to be in when you feel so vulnerable and lonely like I do right now. Yes, I get that I am whinging, and I wish it didn’t come across like that, but I would probably respond the same way if I was a happy, mentally healthy adult reading my self-pitying shit. ‘Get up, get a job, do your shit and don't worry about anything or anyone else’. That’s the dream, right? It feels a million miles away from me at the moment. My debts, my anxiety about them, my social anxiety, my insecurities, my self-loathing, my crippling self doubt and my astonishing talent for lying has made sure that it stays firmly in the very, very distant future.

I don’t know really what I’m meant to do, I am starting to feel like routine is a big part of me feeling better, but with the work I want to do there is no chance of that happening. And if it DID happen...I’d probably just get bored anyway. I’ve had so many ideas about what to write recently, but I haven’t bothered writing any of them down and now I’ve lost them all. I had a huge post to write about anger, but I am simply not angry anymore. I had a huge post I wanted to write about Loyalty, but I don’t give a shit about the people who aren't loyal any more... and I am one of those people sooooo go figure.

I just can't seem to find that switch today, for someone to turn on a light and see that I am in darkness. I guess it’s better than being outrageously rude to the one person who loves me for who I am and deleting him off Facebook for no apparent reason other than to cause a fight. Although, when that happens, at least I know that flame inside my belly is back.

Life.