So I’ve spent the first two hours of being awake today
looking for and applying for jobs I KNOW I don't want, won't enjoy and probably
won't stick at. It’s frustrating. I’m not particularly good at administration and
I certainly don’t enjoy it, but it’s the only thing I have any palpable
experience in. That and a customer facing role where if I know what I’m talking
about, I know I can blag my way through and probably succeed if I don’t let my
insecurities eat me alive.
People have this perception of me as being a people person. I somehow manage to be confident and warm towards people I don’t know, and have been known to crack a smile out of the most stubborn of people. I have no idea how this happens, because on the inside I am usually dying a little bit with every word that comes out of my mouth. I dread it, every second I have to talk to someone I feel like curling up into a ball and rolling away. It’s very easy to not be alone but feel very lonely. I feel this almost every day and it’s very difficult to explain to people who think you’re an honest, open, warm human being.
People have this perception of me as being a people person. I somehow manage to be confident and warm towards people I don’t know, and have been known to crack a smile out of the most stubborn of people. I have no idea how this happens, because on the inside I am usually dying a little bit with every word that comes out of my mouth. I dread it, every second I have to talk to someone I feel like curling up into a ball and rolling away. It’s very easy to not be alone but feel very lonely. I feel this almost every day and it’s very difficult to explain to people who think you’re an honest, open, warm human being.
Suffice to say it’s not fun feeling like you’re the only
person in a room full of people. And the people aren’t bad. The people
sometimes even give a shit about how you feel and what you think, but a lot of
the time, the barricade you put up and the mask you hide behind is SO good,
cleverly concealing all those lies and hidden agendas you have, that no one
notices you haven’t said a word worth listening to for years.
You shouldn’t burden these people with such problems. They don’t understand when their go to person for happiness is feeling less than stellar. It’s a lose-lose situation most of the time. I go round in circles thinking that I can fake my way through certain social situations, and usually I do. But there are times when people notice, and I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS run away in those situations. Rather than telling people what’s wrong or how I feel or if I’ve messed up, made a mistake or am just feeling slightly down, I would rather give the illusion that I’m just busy and have no time to chat. I realise that’s not fair on them, and I am only just starting to realise it’s not really fair on me, either.
You shouldn’t burden these people with such problems. They don’t understand when their go to person for happiness is feeling less than stellar. It’s a lose-lose situation most of the time. I go round in circles thinking that I can fake my way through certain social situations, and usually I do. But there are times when people notice, and I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS run away in those situations. Rather than telling people what’s wrong or how I feel or if I’ve messed up, made a mistake or am just feeling slightly down, I would rather give the illusion that I’m just busy and have no time to chat. I realise that’s not fair on them, and I am only just starting to realise it’s not really fair on me, either.
I don’t know what’s happening to my body recently, but after
a few weeks of not being able to sleep, I am now all of a sudden sleeping
EXCESSIVELY. I slept for about ten hours last night and I’m STILL tired. The
effects of the Sertraline are actually really frustrating. They have definitely
made a positive difference, but I’m still stressed and I am making myself more
stressed thinking about the things I have to do today. I have to go up to town
tonight and I am DREADING IT. The thought of doing the journey that is, not
what I’m doing once I’m there. The thought of getting on the train and tubes
are genuinely frightening to me at the moment, I feel very, very uneasy but I
HAVE to do this, if I back out now I will never forgive myself and I know the
people involved will never forgive me either.
Today I’m going for dinner with three girls I have known for a little under two years, and who I think very highly of indeed. They are lovely, funny, clever girls and as a group we seem to get on really well, and individually we get on really well too. The thing is, I’ve spent the best part of six months avoiding them, with no real reason other than to hide away from the mistakes I made regarding my business, and I can sense their frustration with me. Back in March, I went all the way to Camden to go out for Trudy’s birthday and couldn’t get in to the place she was at so I went to a pub around the corner and misspelled the name of it in a text so they spent all night looking for a pub that didn't exist and I got drunk and then my battery died. It was freezing and raining and I was utterly mortified at myself for the mistake, but rather than explain it rationally, I avoided the questions and messages and phone calls, until it died down and I could get away with not discussing it.
Today I’m going for dinner with three girls I have known for a little under two years, and who I think very highly of indeed. They are lovely, funny, clever girls and as a group we seem to get on really well, and individually we get on really well too. The thing is, I’ve spent the best part of six months avoiding them, with no real reason other than to hide away from the mistakes I made regarding my business, and I can sense their frustration with me. Back in March, I went all the way to Camden to go out for Trudy’s birthday and couldn’t get in to the place she was at so I went to a pub around the corner and misspelled the name of it in a text so they spent all night looking for a pub that didn't exist and I got drunk and then my battery died. It was freezing and raining and I was utterly mortified at myself for the mistake, but rather than explain it rationally, I avoided the questions and messages and phone calls, until it died down and I could get away with not discussing it.
When tragedy hit my family (I use that term loosely, as I no
longer count my father or any of his relations ‘family’) Trudy was there,
offering her support and shoulder to cry on – but I never took that opportunity.
I ran and hid away. The same thing happened when I started missing appointments
at work and Egita asked if I was ok... I didn’t respond to her and I instead
stopped all access for others to be able to post things on my facebook wall,
for fear of someone posting something someone else would see and pull me up on.
I don’t know if that makes sense, but at the time, it seemed like the easiest
option for me and I spent the next few months with my head buried in the sand.
When I look through their facebook profiles now, I can see I’ve missed out on so much. Trudy is in a lovely relationship and seems happy, which makes me SO happy I could burst because she is the one person in this world that I think really deserves it. Egita managed to find someone to carry on her business with her and seems to be thriving in both her career and her studies, and Zindzi... well; she is just the icing on the cake. Beautiful, stylish, caring and kind, Zindzi is the archetypal wonder-woman. There’s something about her that oozes calm and she is a welcome light in the darkness I bring to the table in this somewhat dysfunctional group. It’ll be the first time we’ve seen each other since April last year, and I have no idea if they’ve met up without me or how much contact everyone else has been in.
These girls don’t know it, but they gave me faith in friendships. They already have their own lives going on, with their own groups of friends and their own little cliques that I will never be a part of – but the fact that they have invited me to be part of their lives on a small scale, and that they STILL are willing to see and spend time with me after the shitty way I’ve treated them is something I am eternally grateful for, I don’t deserve it, and they don’t realise what it means to me. I know all this sounds terribly dramatic and over the top, perhaps it is. But it’s just how I feel right this second. The deafening silence I’ve surrounded myself with over the past few months has done nothing but hinder me and tonight I am going to take my chance to explain myself fully, openly and honestly to these three people, with the small hope that they might understand it a little bit better. It’s a MASSIVE jump for me, talking about depression, anxiety and the triggers that cause them.
These are people whose opinions and thoughts I care desperately about and I feel like I’ll be putting a HUGE part of myself out there, in their hands and only they can decide whether to hold on to it or drop it. I wouldn’t blame them if it was the latter, but I am hoping and praying that it’s the former.
When I look through their facebook profiles now, I can see I’ve missed out on so much. Trudy is in a lovely relationship and seems happy, which makes me SO happy I could burst because she is the one person in this world that I think really deserves it. Egita managed to find someone to carry on her business with her and seems to be thriving in both her career and her studies, and Zindzi... well; she is just the icing on the cake. Beautiful, stylish, caring and kind, Zindzi is the archetypal wonder-woman. There’s something about her that oozes calm and she is a welcome light in the darkness I bring to the table in this somewhat dysfunctional group. It’ll be the first time we’ve seen each other since April last year, and I have no idea if they’ve met up without me or how much contact everyone else has been in.
These girls don’t know it, but they gave me faith in friendships. They already have their own lives going on, with their own groups of friends and their own little cliques that I will never be a part of – but the fact that they have invited me to be part of their lives on a small scale, and that they STILL are willing to see and spend time with me after the shitty way I’ve treated them is something I am eternally grateful for, I don’t deserve it, and they don’t realise what it means to me. I know all this sounds terribly dramatic and over the top, perhaps it is. But it’s just how I feel right this second. The deafening silence I’ve surrounded myself with over the past few months has done nothing but hinder me and tonight I am going to take my chance to explain myself fully, openly and honestly to these three people, with the small hope that they might understand it a little bit better. It’s a MASSIVE jump for me, talking about depression, anxiety and the triggers that cause them.
These are people whose opinions and thoughts I care desperately about and I feel like I’ll be putting a HUGE part of myself out there, in their hands and only they can decide whether to hold on to it or drop it. I wouldn’t blame them if it was the latter, but I am hoping and praying that it’s the former.
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