Grey Today

Today is a day I don't feel particularly good. I don’t know why. It could be the grey skies, it could be the frustration of my internet dropping constantly, it could be the bad mark I got on my last uni TMA, or it could be the impending birthday I have looming ever closer.

Whatever it is, today I feel like I’m taking two steps backwards and I want to start thinking about how I can combat this, and to do that I need to figure out, if I can, where it’s come from. So here is a list of things that I’m thinking about A LOT that are bugging me and could be possible triggers for today’s anxiety –

• Not being able to get to the gym (Rachael’s injury).
• The Internet not working or, worse – working intermittently.
• Reading my tutors FAIR comments about my last assignment that was less than average work.

I think that’s it, today, actually. I don’t know why I’m letting those things get to me so much. I’ve been a bag of panicky nerves all day though, and it’s making the thought of going out later seem REALLY unappealing. The internet not working is annoying, but when I think about it, it’s the only reason I started writing this post, and it could be the contributing factor to getting some other stuff done. Stuff that I otherwise would put off until the very last minute like usual because I’ve spent all day convincing myself that I am doing enough to find a job or improve my life by staring blankly at all the open tabs on my screen. Ugh.

Poor Rachael has slipped a disc in her back, so is out of action for a little while. I could probably get to the gym and get let in by Joe or maybe Mel but they would have to dictate the times and I am slightly nervous about getting caught out, to be honest. Also, with the internet not working this would be the IDEAL opportunity to go out for a run, or at the very least do some P90X training whilst I have the place to myself. But what is stopping me? It’s not ALL laziness.

Lastly; my TMA. It’s my own fault, I didn’t pick up my books AT ALL since TMA 02 and I was so smug with my last result that I guess I didn’t think I needed to. Then it got later and later and I panicked and pulled 1000 words totally out of my arse the day before it needed handing in. This was stupid. I got 59 out of 100. This is made up out of 22 marks out of 50 for the first part and 37 marks out of 50 for the second. I realise this isn’t TERRIBLE given the stupid time frame I gave myself AND the fact I had done NO study, but it just is not good enough, for me. People do NOT realise this about me, but I am a perfectionist. This is the reason I do not put effort into things I don’t believe I can’t do well – because if I attain anything less than top marks, I see it is a failure. It’s the reason I pull stupid faces in photos too; I would rather pull a silly face and look stupid, than try and pull a nice one and still look stupid. I apply this in almost everything I do, which is why I approach things either very cautiously or very gung-ho and without proper research. It’s something I’ve always done and it’s why I always disappoint myself.

That is disappointing to me. I don’t know where the secret lies in feeling better about these types of things. Sertraline is certainly taking the edge off my rage fuelled moods and teary outbursts – but that doesn’t tell me WHY. Why do I feel sick when I think about leaving the house? Why am I twitching my leg uncontrollably? Why am I feeling chest pains just THINKING about doing some studying?

I don’t know where this shit comes from but I want to punch it in the face. I am so, so sick of this feeling.