For as long as I can remember, I've had issues with the way I look. I was kindof chubby as a kid, but no more than the ordinary 'puppy fat' and I did eventually grow out of it, but I never grew out of that feeling, and as I went through puberty and my teenage years, it got worse and worse and I eventually ended up bulimic for about three years (I have not been bulimic for ten years now).
Convinced my grotesque, oversized dead weight body was the thing that defined me, the reason people spoke to me, the deciding factor in most of the karma that came my way, I over compensated with a 'larger than life' personality. I thought of myself as the 'jolly' one, the fat girl with a big heart and all the other terrible clichéd views one can think of. It was painful waking up every day and looking in the mirror, I didn't if I could help it and I would hide under baggy, shapeless clothes that encompassed me with some sort of coping mechanism and each day would start the same - I would tell myself to not let people realise the real you is under these clothes, don't let the world know how disgusting you really are, be funny and loud to distract them and your size won’t matter.... I was 9 stone.
Almost ironically, from the age of 13 I suffered with the most chronic acne, covering my entire face, chest and back, this is something I went to my GP about time after time, year after year and finally got sorted only last year, 13 years on from my first spot with a potent dose of Roacutane (more on that another times). I have been left with scarring which bug me, but I never once compared it to my issues with my weight, even though if I had ANYTHING to be unhappy about with my appearance, it was most certainly the state of my skin.
I used to own and run a beauty clinic and one of my main procedures was skin rejuvenation, I’d sit there and discuss in depth treatments, preventions and cures of all manner of skin problems, superficial AND medical, whilst having a face full of angry, red, pulsing spots. It made me feel silly, but I could (and did) joke about it – my weight though, that being brought to attention would make me go into hiding for days.
I don't have the energy to wash my hair every day, wear make up every day or dress up every day, so I have a constant internal battle to ignore the inside demons that tell me I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have ridiculous hair, my makeup is wrong, I have something on my face etc. I can't walk down the road by myself without these thoughts CONSTANTLY racing through my mind. I find there’s not much point in talking to people about it either, because most times I have, people just think you’re attention seeking, looking for compliments or totally vain being so worried about your appearance, I might even agree with them. I once didn’t go out because I just felt so low about myself, how I looked and how I felt about how I looked, and got called a Diva for a LONG time afterwards. Maybe it is a diva move, maybe it is self absorbed and vain, but if it is it’s not fun.
For example, I wear a bright pink coat that I love, and other people seem to too. But unless people comment that they like it, which has only happened a handful of times, everyone else just looks. I can't take it. It makes me feel so sick, it’s not about the coat anymore, it’s about my ill fitting shirt underneath my jumper (that they can't see) or about a big splodge of mascara on my face that I missed during the 32nd time I’ve checked myself before leaving the house, all these things that I make up in my head and they stay with me throughout the day just from two seconds of eye contact with a passing stranger. Don’t get me wrong, it’s getting better, as I’ve gotten older it’s not EVERY time I go out, it’s about 60% of the time at the moment and this has given my head some massive breathing space.
My boyfriend has no luck with me either, he thinks I'm at my most beautiful when I am make up less and scruffy, totally natural and I should probably believe him, but I just think thats LAUGHABLE. I try not to go on at him about it because I don't want to be that girl, but inside it's genuinely incomprehensible to me that someone I love would feel that way about me, so I just carry on about my business and fight the demons inside, to live a semi happy life with him.
I find it incredibly easy to assess the appearance of others and whether or not they are a threat to me or not, I am immediately intimidated by attractive people and I HATE myself for that being my first reaction to anyone, because I like to see the beauty in others and promote that we are all the same and should accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all, which is what I try my absolute best to project onto others, but that’s just not how my head works when it comes to myself.
I hope this all makes a little bit of sense? My head hurts.
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