Completely Irrelevant Ramble

I feel SO agitated.

I have a boyfriend who is infuriatingly nonchalant about his dismissive behaviour towards thing’s I believe we ALL should feel strongly about.

It makes me wonder if I know him at all.

I know it’s me that needs to change, not anyone else. I feel SO angry and alone right now, which is amplified by the fact there are probably a handful of people I could talk to, if I really wanted to, but I just DONT. The crippling thing about it all is, I don’t know what to say.
How do you explain to someone that you’re filled with rage and sadness, for no reason whatsoever? I have no career, no motivation, and no goals in life. And if I were to have these things, I’d have no confidence in my ability for any of them. People bleat on all the time ‘you can do anything you want’, but I can’t, I just can’t and people then lose interest in you when you don’t know how to clarify that to them.

What makes me happy? I can’t answer that. The worst relationship I have at the moment is the one with myself, but I’m littered by a myriad of other relationships that I know affect how I feel about myself too.

I let myself down time and time again, for no reason other than the drowsiness that becomes me when I’m faced with this fog. A few days ago, I was strong and proactive, I was positive and even though I did a stupid thing last week (walking out of a comfortable job), I was looking forward to the future.
Right this minute, I am not. Right this minute all I want is for people to leave me alone, and they are doing precisely that and I’m not happy with that either. Weekly calls or texts I got from friends have slowly disappeared and J has done what I basically prompted him to do this evening, leave me alone.

Its fact, I cannot handle his relationships with other females, but it’s not about them, it’s about him, but more than him, it’s about me.
I genuinely don’t believe he has the capacity to have conversations with women without it having some sort of agenda, some form of flirting, some act of betrayal. He’s shown me he is capable of this, but I chose to stay with him so the issue ultimately lies with me.
If I could just be comfortable in my own skin, with my own thoughts and opinions, this I’m sure, would be less of an issue. I wouldn’t be so worried with not being with him because he’s a misogamist and a bit of a creep to the women he speaks to behind my back. Truth is, when I forget about it and just be in the moment, I’m happier than ever because I’m not thinking about potential opportunities for him to strike, and we have the most amazing times.

I don’t think I’ll EVER meet someone who has the ability to not seek out their chances somewhere else too. Even if they have no intention whatsoever of acting, I think men will always push the boundaries of appropriate behaviour. I know this isn’t just born from my experience with someone cheating on me, or friends betraying me. I’ve been no angel myself I know that, and I feel guilty every time I think about the people I’ve hurt and wronged in order to make myself feel better about, well, myself (it has NEVER, EVER worked).
I’ve always felt like this, I have treated probably every man I’ve ever been close to in the exact same way, and it’s always ended up with me feeling hurt and resentful towards them. There are two people who I genuinely believe didn’t do anything to warrant it, and one of them was the first ever person I had a proper relationship with.
So, does this all stem from not having a father in my life? I was brought up by my grandparents, and obviously their role in my life, including their deaths have been SO, SO pivotal for me. But I have ALWAYS had self esteem issues, and I’ve always thought they have just come from within, but maybe I need a therapist to help me sink deeper into why I feel so inferior to everyone around me, not just women, but men too. My abandonment issue’s I think have come along later in life, and go hand in hand with my need from attention from men when I’m single to validate my existence as a functioning, responsible adult.

I’ve never really had respect for anyone, I’ve never really cared about consequences to my actions. And that’s not me saying I don’t THINK about them, I do. I always, always do, but I just go ahead with want I want anyway, it’s never got me anywhere, it’s never got me anything I’ve truly wanted.

But I say that, and I still don’t know what it is I want. I want to have a voice but I don’t know enough about anything to have one. I want to feel attractive, but I smoke and eat crap and don’t exercise. I want to have money, but I don't want to work hard. I want to have a nice boyfriend who loves and respects me and doesn’t send other women messages he shouldn’t, but I don’t seem to deserve that. I want to have a group of friends who I can talk to about anything, be honest with, laugh with, fall out with, make up with and be at one with, but I don’t connect with anyone in that way.

It’s so fucking easy for people to say none of the above is true, that I’m a good person or I deserve better. People can say I’m clever, funny, challenging, attractive until they’re blue, red, yellow, black and purple in the face, but they still treat me the same way, and I’ll never believe them.

I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m angry, and more than all of that; I am alone, again, and that’s probably the best thing for me.

Don't Look at Me

For as long as I can remember, I've had issues with the way I look. I was kindof chubby as a kid, but no more than the ordinary 'puppy fat' and I did eventually grow out of it, but I never grew out of that feeling, and as I went through puberty and my teenage years, it got worse and worse and I eventually ended up bulimic for about three years (I have not been bulimic for ten years now).
Convinced my grotesque, oversized dead weight body was the thing that defined me, the reason people spoke to me, the deciding factor in most of the karma that came my way, I over compensated with a 'larger than life' personality. I thought of myself as the 'jolly' one, the fat girl with a big heart and all the other terrible clichéd views one can think of. It was painful waking up every day and looking in the mirror, I didn't if I could help it and I would hide under baggy, shapeless clothes that encompassed me with some sort of coping mechanism and each day would start the same - I would tell myself to not let people realise the real you is under these clothes, don't let the world know how disgusting you really are, be funny and loud to distract them and your size won’t matter.... I was 9 stone.

Almost ironically, from the age of 13 I suffered with the most chronic acne, covering my entire face, chest and back, this is something I went to my GP about time after time, year after year and finally got sorted only last year, 13 years on from my first spot with a potent dose of Roacutane (more on that another times). I have been left with scarring which bug me, but I never once compared it to my issues with my weight, even though if I had ANYTHING to be unhappy about with my appearance, it was most certainly the state of my skin.
I used to own and run a beauty clinic and one of my main procedures was skin rejuvenation, I’d sit there and discuss in depth treatments, preventions and cures of all manner of skin problems, superficial AND medical, whilst having a face full of angry, red, pulsing spots. It made me feel silly, but I could (and did) joke about it – my weight though, that being brought to attention would make me go into hiding for days.

I don't have the energy to wash my hair every day, wear make up every day or dress up every day, so I have a constant internal battle to ignore the inside demons that tell me I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have ridiculous hair, my makeup is wrong, I have something on my face etc. I can't walk down the road by myself without these thoughts CONSTANTLY racing through my mind. I find there’s not much point in talking to people about it either, because most times I have, people just think you’re attention seeking, looking for compliments or totally vain being so worried about your appearance, I might even agree with them. I once didn’t go out because I just felt so low about myself, how I looked and how I felt about how I looked, and got called a Diva for a LONG time afterwards. Maybe it is a diva move, maybe it is self absorbed and vain, but if it is it’s not fun.
For example, I wear a bright pink coat that I love, and other people seem to too. But unless people comment that they like it, which has only happened a handful of times, everyone else just looks. I can't take it. It makes me feel so sick, it’s not about the coat anymore, it’s about my ill fitting shirt underneath my jumper (that they can't see) or about a big splodge of mascara on my face that I missed during the 32nd time I’ve checked myself before leaving the house, all these things that I make up in my head and they stay with me throughout the day just from two seconds of eye contact with a passing stranger. Don’t get me wrong, it’s getting better, as I’ve gotten older it’s not EVERY time I go out, it’s about 60% of the time at the moment and this has given my head some massive breathing space.

My boyfriend has no luck with me either, he thinks I'm at my most beautiful when I am make up less and scruffy, totally natural and I should probably believe him, but I just think thats LAUGHABLE. I try not to go on at him about it because I don't want to be that girl, but inside it's genuinely incomprehensible to me that someone I love would feel that way about me, so I just carry on about my business and fight the demons inside, to live a semi happy life with him.
I find it incredibly easy to assess the appearance of others and whether or not they are a threat to me or not, I am immediately intimidated by attractive people and I HATE myself for that being my first reaction to anyone, because I like to see the beauty in others and promote that we are all the same and should accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all, which is what I try my absolute best to project onto others, but that’s just not how my head works when it comes to myself.

I hope this all makes a little bit of sense? My head hurts.

100 Happy Days

It’s very, very easy to feel like no one understands you, especially when no one is listening.

I have felt for longer than I can remember now that no one listens to me or takes me seriously or actually cares at all about the thoughts I have. This has caused me quite a lot of pain and fractured my confidence hugely over the last few years.
There are SO many things I don't like about people, the people I have chosen to let in my life as well as the people I can’t do anything about being in my life. Though more than these people, there are things I really, really don’t like about myself. Okay, that’s stating the obvious, obviously I don’t expect anyone truly loves EVERYTHING about themselves, and also obvious because I started writing this for the internet ether to try and express myself about my depression and anxiety, but it’s not always as clear cut as gloom and doom.

I feel really conflicted in my views on approaching the battle, recently. I certainly feel like everyone should feel totally free and comfortable to talk about how they feel, to anyone they choose, but sometimes you need to draw a line.

I frequently feel lonely, sad, isolated, angry, frustrated, stifled and unhappy. Sometimes I feel all these things in the space of one day (read: hour). I feel like it is my right to talk about these feelings to the people closest to me, a little so they understand, a little so they can fulfil their jobs as ‘friends’ and a little to just feel the way I feel at the time I feel it and get it out. I think one shouldn’t have to constantly put on a mask and pretend to anyone, (lying to yourself and your loved ones is a perpetual reason for worsening depression). BUT... isn’t sometimes, enough, just, well, enough?
I’m well aware most loved ones only want to help and are only worried about me/you and your happiness. I for one know that my J is continually wishing he could make me happy, and often mentions that it upsets him that he can't do that. Is that fair? No. This makes me feel like I cause HIM unhappiness. Is it my fault? No. Is it his? No. Is it common? Yes. Is it frustrating for both parties? Most certainly.

If I read back my diary, as far back as the entries go (about 14 years), very few of them are remembering happy moments or capturing exciting times in my life. When I read them I feel grey. I’ve conditioned myself to write things down when I am associating with negativity, because I’ve always believed this helps me through the dark times. And it absolutely has helped me, in a way, anyway. It helps me express and get out how I’m feeling. It helps me de-compartmentalize. It helps me to make small senses of things that have been blown up in my mind and that send my emotions rollercoastering all around the place. But as I keep all my entries, it also helps to serve as a reminder of the bad times. Just like talking to someone, does.

Before when I said, ‘isn’t enough, enough?’ I was NOT hinting at replacing talking to someone when you feel ill with writing, THAT certainly doesn’t work. I want to work towards a world where there is ZERO stigma or discrimination attached to mental health, where dedicated professionals are on hand to help and there is a comfortable outlet available 24/7 for people who need help. But what I’m talking about is there are people out there (like me) who have the issue of mistaking negativity for ‘low mood’.
For a very long time I have been battling demons, for a variety of reasons. I still struggle over ten years on from a family bereavement and the carnage it left behind. I am body dimorphic. I have social anxiety. My father’s side of the family is beyond messed up. I have severe anger issues when I don't get my own way. I am really paranoid. I am really selfish. I have huge debts that I cannot pay. I have a failed business. I have failed friendships, and I generally have a broken family life. I have hated all my jobs, and I have never been any good at any of them.
What I’m beginning to think more and more is that yes, I have a right to feel down, but I do very little to bring myself out of the lull. I have tried three types of medication on three occasions now over a number of years and I find it either works for a period of time and then you’re back to square one or it just numbs me completely and whilst I don’t feel like I want to jump in front of a train, it doesn’t make me want to live either – it takes away all emotions and you’re just left as an empty vessel. I have tried counselling, it just wasn’t for me with the NHS, but I understand the IMMENSE importance of its existence and am a huge supporter of ANYONE giving it a go.
What I haven’t really tried, is just doing more things that make me happy. Sometimes I don't even know what makes me happy, is it shopping? Being with friends/family? Watching something funny? Sex? Walking? Running? Reading? Writing? Working?
I’ve had to really think about it and that seems crazy to me, how can you not know what makes you happy?! And is it really that simple?

So, the whole point of this ‘post’ (and to prove the ramble above isn’t totally random) is because I made a decision last week to take the ‘100 Happy Days Challenge’, details of which can be found here - http://100happydays.com/
The point is, you do one thing every day that makes you happy and take a photo of something that represents it. You can choose to upload it onto social media with the hashtag #100happydays (so the creators can find you) or you can post privately so the challenge creators can run analytics and take surveys afterwards about who has done what, how far people have gotten and how the whole thing has made them feel. This excites me MUCHOS. I am SO negative these days that I’m just looking forward to enjoying at least one thing in a day, even if I have to force myself. Just the thought of FOR ONCE living in the moment and not taking the small things that I enjoy for granted, not giving shit about what other people think or feel of me and just being...well, happy.
And that makes it sound like I’m constantly unhappy, which I have to continually explain to the people who don’t listen to me (yes, I’m looking at YOU), that this isn’t the case. Suffering from depression doesn’t just mean you’re a blanket misog who can't find joy in anything, but it does mean you struggle with it and it does mean you spend many days just wondering why on earth you bother with anything. You feel nothing at all, and that includes happiness and unhappiness.
I understand that this is difficult to understand for those who aren’t on the rollercoaster with me. And believe me, I want to explore the effects of my grey clouds on my relationships with others, but right now, I’m going to indulge in the selfishness I’ve allowed myself to be encompassed in and do things that >I< want to do, and to start, I’m going to be doing it for me.

Anyway, I want to REALLY have a proper crack from this moment on at finding happiness in the everyday, and positivity in the grey. I know this all seems a little cheesy, but fuck it, I haven’t got anything better to do and I haven’t got any other ideas up my sleeves. I want to find inspiration in things I haven’t noticed before and I want to invest more time in the activities and people I actually care about, rather than waste it on the negative ones I have been for the last few years, because they have NOT been making me happy. I need to learn to curb my enthusiasm for causing arguments with the people I love and stop getting irritated so easily.

Whatever, I just need to at least try do something to make things a even a little bit brighter around these parts, it’s got to be worth a shot...