Completely Irrelevant Ramble

I feel SO agitated.

I have a boyfriend who is infuriatingly nonchalant about his dismissive behaviour towards thing’s I believe we ALL should feel strongly about.

It makes me wonder if I know him at all.

I know it’s me that needs to change, not anyone else. I feel SO angry and alone right now, which is amplified by the fact there are probably a handful of people I could talk to, if I really wanted to, but I just DONT. The crippling thing about it all is, I don’t know what to say.
How do you explain to someone that you’re filled with rage and sadness, for no reason whatsoever? I have no career, no motivation, and no goals in life. And if I were to have these things, I’d have no confidence in my ability for any of them. People bleat on all the time ‘you can do anything you want’, but I can’t, I just can’t and people then lose interest in you when you don’t know how to clarify that to them.

What makes me happy? I can’t answer that. The worst relationship I have at the moment is the one with myself, but I’m littered by a myriad of other relationships that I know affect how I feel about myself too.

I let myself down time and time again, for no reason other than the drowsiness that becomes me when I’m faced with this fog. A few days ago, I was strong and proactive, I was positive and even though I did a stupid thing last week (walking out of a comfortable job), I was looking forward to the future.
Right this minute, I am not. Right this minute all I want is for people to leave me alone, and they are doing precisely that and I’m not happy with that either. Weekly calls or texts I got from friends have slowly disappeared and J has done what I basically prompted him to do this evening, leave me alone.

Its fact, I cannot handle his relationships with other females, but it’s not about them, it’s about him, but more than him, it’s about me.
I genuinely don’t believe he has the capacity to have conversations with women without it having some sort of agenda, some form of flirting, some act of betrayal. He’s shown me he is capable of this, but I chose to stay with him so the issue ultimately lies with me.
If I could just be comfortable in my own skin, with my own thoughts and opinions, this I’m sure, would be less of an issue. I wouldn’t be so worried with not being with him because he’s a misogamist and a bit of a creep to the women he speaks to behind my back. Truth is, when I forget about it and just be in the moment, I’m happier than ever because I’m not thinking about potential opportunities for him to strike, and we have the most amazing times.

I don’t think I’ll EVER meet someone who has the ability to not seek out their chances somewhere else too. Even if they have no intention whatsoever of acting, I think men will always push the boundaries of appropriate behaviour. I know this isn’t just born from my experience with someone cheating on me, or friends betraying me. I’ve been no angel myself I know that, and I feel guilty every time I think about the people I’ve hurt and wronged in order to make myself feel better about, well, myself (it has NEVER, EVER worked).
I’ve always felt like this, I have treated probably every man I’ve ever been close to in the exact same way, and it’s always ended up with me feeling hurt and resentful towards them. There are two people who I genuinely believe didn’t do anything to warrant it, and one of them was the first ever person I had a proper relationship with.
So, does this all stem from not having a father in my life? I was brought up by my grandparents, and obviously their role in my life, including their deaths have been SO, SO pivotal for me. But I have ALWAYS had self esteem issues, and I’ve always thought they have just come from within, but maybe I need a therapist to help me sink deeper into why I feel so inferior to everyone around me, not just women, but men too. My abandonment issue’s I think have come along later in life, and go hand in hand with my need from attention from men when I’m single to validate my existence as a functioning, responsible adult.

I’ve never really had respect for anyone, I’ve never really cared about consequences to my actions. And that’s not me saying I don’t THINK about them, I do. I always, always do, but I just go ahead with want I want anyway, it’s never got me anywhere, it’s never got me anything I’ve truly wanted.

But I say that, and I still don’t know what it is I want. I want to have a voice but I don’t know enough about anything to have one. I want to feel attractive, but I smoke and eat crap and don’t exercise. I want to have money, but I don't want to work hard. I want to have a nice boyfriend who loves and respects me and doesn’t send other women messages he shouldn’t, but I don’t seem to deserve that. I want to have a group of friends who I can talk to about anything, be honest with, laugh with, fall out with, make up with and be at one with, but I don’t connect with anyone in that way.

It’s so fucking easy for people to say none of the above is true, that I’m a good person or I deserve better. People can say I’m clever, funny, challenging, attractive until they’re blue, red, yellow, black and purple in the face, but they still treat me the same way, and I’ll never believe them.

I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m angry, and more than all of that; I am alone, again, and that’s probably the best thing for me.

Don't Look at Me

For as long as I can remember, I've had issues with the way I look. I was kindof chubby as a kid, but no more than the ordinary 'puppy fat' and I did eventually grow out of it, but I never grew out of that feeling, and as I went through puberty and my teenage years, it got worse and worse and I eventually ended up bulimic for about three years (I have not been bulimic for ten years now).
Convinced my grotesque, oversized dead weight body was the thing that defined me, the reason people spoke to me, the deciding factor in most of the karma that came my way, I over compensated with a 'larger than life' personality. I thought of myself as the 'jolly' one, the fat girl with a big heart and all the other terrible clichéd views one can think of. It was painful waking up every day and looking in the mirror, I didn't if I could help it and I would hide under baggy, shapeless clothes that encompassed me with some sort of coping mechanism and each day would start the same - I would tell myself to not let people realise the real you is under these clothes, don't let the world know how disgusting you really are, be funny and loud to distract them and your size won’t matter.... I was 9 stone.

Almost ironically, from the age of 13 I suffered with the most chronic acne, covering my entire face, chest and back, this is something I went to my GP about time after time, year after year and finally got sorted only last year, 13 years on from my first spot with a potent dose of Roacutane (more on that another times). I have been left with scarring which bug me, but I never once compared it to my issues with my weight, even though if I had ANYTHING to be unhappy about with my appearance, it was most certainly the state of my skin.
I used to own and run a beauty clinic and one of my main procedures was skin rejuvenation, I’d sit there and discuss in depth treatments, preventions and cures of all manner of skin problems, superficial AND medical, whilst having a face full of angry, red, pulsing spots. It made me feel silly, but I could (and did) joke about it – my weight though, that being brought to attention would make me go into hiding for days.

I don't have the energy to wash my hair every day, wear make up every day or dress up every day, so I have a constant internal battle to ignore the inside demons that tell me I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have ridiculous hair, my makeup is wrong, I have something on my face etc. I can't walk down the road by myself without these thoughts CONSTANTLY racing through my mind. I find there’s not much point in talking to people about it either, because most times I have, people just think you’re attention seeking, looking for compliments or totally vain being so worried about your appearance, I might even agree with them. I once didn’t go out because I just felt so low about myself, how I looked and how I felt about how I looked, and got called a Diva for a LONG time afterwards. Maybe it is a diva move, maybe it is self absorbed and vain, but if it is it’s not fun.
For example, I wear a bright pink coat that I love, and other people seem to too. But unless people comment that they like it, which has only happened a handful of times, everyone else just looks. I can't take it. It makes me feel so sick, it’s not about the coat anymore, it’s about my ill fitting shirt underneath my jumper (that they can't see) or about a big splodge of mascara on my face that I missed during the 32nd time I’ve checked myself before leaving the house, all these things that I make up in my head and they stay with me throughout the day just from two seconds of eye contact with a passing stranger. Don’t get me wrong, it’s getting better, as I’ve gotten older it’s not EVERY time I go out, it’s about 60% of the time at the moment and this has given my head some massive breathing space.

My boyfriend has no luck with me either, he thinks I'm at my most beautiful when I am make up less and scruffy, totally natural and I should probably believe him, but I just think thats LAUGHABLE. I try not to go on at him about it because I don't want to be that girl, but inside it's genuinely incomprehensible to me that someone I love would feel that way about me, so I just carry on about my business and fight the demons inside, to live a semi happy life with him.
I find it incredibly easy to assess the appearance of others and whether or not they are a threat to me or not, I am immediately intimidated by attractive people and I HATE myself for that being my first reaction to anyone, because I like to see the beauty in others and promote that we are all the same and should accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all, which is what I try my absolute best to project onto others, but that’s just not how my head works when it comes to myself.

I hope this all makes a little bit of sense? My head hurts.

100 Happy Days

It’s very, very easy to feel like no one understands you, especially when no one is listening.

I have felt for longer than I can remember now that no one listens to me or takes me seriously or actually cares at all about the thoughts I have. This has caused me quite a lot of pain and fractured my confidence hugely over the last few years.
There are SO many things I don't like about people, the people I have chosen to let in my life as well as the people I can’t do anything about being in my life. Though more than these people, there are things I really, really don’t like about myself. Okay, that’s stating the obvious, obviously I don’t expect anyone truly loves EVERYTHING about themselves, and also obvious because I started writing this for the internet ether to try and express myself about my depression and anxiety, but it’s not always as clear cut as gloom and doom.

I feel really conflicted in my views on approaching the battle, recently. I certainly feel like everyone should feel totally free and comfortable to talk about how they feel, to anyone they choose, but sometimes you need to draw a line.

I frequently feel lonely, sad, isolated, angry, frustrated, stifled and unhappy. Sometimes I feel all these things in the space of one day (read: hour). I feel like it is my right to talk about these feelings to the people closest to me, a little so they understand, a little so they can fulfil their jobs as ‘friends’ and a little to just feel the way I feel at the time I feel it and get it out. I think one shouldn’t have to constantly put on a mask and pretend to anyone, (lying to yourself and your loved ones is a perpetual reason for worsening depression). BUT... isn’t sometimes, enough, just, well, enough?
I’m well aware most loved ones only want to help and are only worried about me/you and your happiness. I for one know that my J is continually wishing he could make me happy, and often mentions that it upsets him that he can't do that. Is that fair? No. This makes me feel like I cause HIM unhappiness. Is it my fault? No. Is it his? No. Is it common? Yes. Is it frustrating for both parties? Most certainly.

If I read back my diary, as far back as the entries go (about 14 years), very few of them are remembering happy moments or capturing exciting times in my life. When I read them I feel grey. I’ve conditioned myself to write things down when I am associating with negativity, because I’ve always believed this helps me through the dark times. And it absolutely has helped me, in a way, anyway. It helps me express and get out how I’m feeling. It helps me de-compartmentalize. It helps me to make small senses of things that have been blown up in my mind and that send my emotions rollercoastering all around the place. But as I keep all my entries, it also helps to serve as a reminder of the bad times. Just like talking to someone, does.

Before when I said, ‘isn’t enough, enough?’ I was NOT hinting at replacing talking to someone when you feel ill with writing, THAT certainly doesn’t work. I want to work towards a world where there is ZERO stigma or discrimination attached to mental health, where dedicated professionals are on hand to help and there is a comfortable outlet available 24/7 for people who need help. But what I’m talking about is there are people out there (like me) who have the issue of mistaking negativity for ‘low mood’.
For a very long time I have been battling demons, for a variety of reasons. I still struggle over ten years on from a family bereavement and the carnage it left behind. I am body dimorphic. I have social anxiety. My father’s side of the family is beyond messed up. I have severe anger issues when I don't get my own way. I am really paranoid. I am really selfish. I have huge debts that I cannot pay. I have a failed business. I have failed friendships, and I generally have a broken family life. I have hated all my jobs, and I have never been any good at any of them.
What I’m beginning to think more and more is that yes, I have a right to feel down, but I do very little to bring myself out of the lull. I have tried three types of medication on three occasions now over a number of years and I find it either works for a period of time and then you’re back to square one or it just numbs me completely and whilst I don’t feel like I want to jump in front of a train, it doesn’t make me want to live either – it takes away all emotions and you’re just left as an empty vessel. I have tried counselling, it just wasn’t for me with the NHS, but I understand the IMMENSE importance of its existence and am a huge supporter of ANYONE giving it a go.
What I haven’t really tried, is just doing more things that make me happy. Sometimes I don't even know what makes me happy, is it shopping? Being with friends/family? Watching something funny? Sex? Walking? Running? Reading? Writing? Working?
I’ve had to really think about it and that seems crazy to me, how can you not know what makes you happy?! And is it really that simple?

So, the whole point of this ‘post’ (and to prove the ramble above isn’t totally random) is because I made a decision last week to take the ‘100 Happy Days Challenge’, details of which can be found here - http://100happydays.com/
The point is, you do one thing every day that makes you happy and take a photo of something that represents it. You can choose to upload it onto social media with the hashtag #100happydays (so the creators can find you) or you can post privately so the challenge creators can run analytics and take surveys afterwards about who has done what, how far people have gotten and how the whole thing has made them feel. This excites me MUCHOS. I am SO negative these days that I’m just looking forward to enjoying at least one thing in a day, even if I have to force myself. Just the thought of FOR ONCE living in the moment and not taking the small things that I enjoy for granted, not giving shit about what other people think or feel of me and just being...well, happy.
And that makes it sound like I’m constantly unhappy, which I have to continually explain to the people who don’t listen to me (yes, I’m looking at YOU), that this isn’t the case. Suffering from depression doesn’t just mean you’re a blanket misog who can't find joy in anything, but it does mean you struggle with it and it does mean you spend many days just wondering why on earth you bother with anything. You feel nothing at all, and that includes happiness and unhappiness.
I understand that this is difficult to understand for those who aren’t on the rollercoaster with me. And believe me, I want to explore the effects of my grey clouds on my relationships with others, but right now, I’m going to indulge in the selfishness I’ve allowed myself to be encompassed in and do things that >I< want to do, and to start, I’m going to be doing it for me.

Anyway, I want to REALLY have a proper crack from this moment on at finding happiness in the everyday, and positivity in the grey. I know this all seems a little cheesy, but fuck it, I haven’t got anything better to do and I haven’t got any other ideas up my sleeves. I want to find inspiration in things I haven’t noticed before and I want to invest more time in the activities and people I actually care about, rather than waste it on the negative ones I have been for the last few years, because they have NOT been making me happy. I need to learn to curb my enthusiasm for causing arguments with the people I love and stop getting irritated so easily.

Whatever, I just need to at least try do something to make things a even a little bit brighter around these parts, it’s got to be worth a shot...

Work

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So, I’ve seemed to have found myself in a better position than I wasin a few weeks ago. I’ve found employment.

About three weeks ago now I went to an incredibly posh recruitment agency that I felt like I had no right to be in, whatsoever. I was twenty minutes late because I came out of Liverpool Street Station the wrong way and walked for several minutes in totally the wrong direction, three times. When I finally arrived at the building, I walked through a huge empty reception, to the receptionist who had to ask my name, age and who I was there to see. She promptly printed me out a hard card to buzz myself into the elevator and I had to swipe to get onto the correct floor. When I got there, two impeccably dressed, beautiful blonde girls were standing waiting to greet me holding clipboards with begrudging looks on their faces. I apologised profusely and they led me to the tiniest interview room I’ve ever seen. The office was huge and open plan, glass walls separating departments and floor to ceiling windows looking out onto the Gherkin; I knew I wasn’t meant to be there.
They both gave me interview style questions; it was far more formal than I was prepared for, but I felt so uninspired by everything that I didn’t really care what they said, or how I came across. It is the first time in a long time I didn't have any nerves about walking into the unknown without being on medication and if I’m honest, I’m quite proud of that.
Anyway, the next day they got me an interview for an eight week temporary position at a huge financial solutions company in Surbiton (which I was SO happy about, I thought the agency only dealt with London). Anyway, it was the shortest interview known to man, I think I was in an out in half an hour, and that included waiting in the foyer for ten minutes. About fifteen minutes after I had left the building I was offered the job, and started the next day.

So far, it’s been good. I feel like a little light has been switched on in my life and things don’t look so bleak. I have a little bit of money to pay my mum some rent, I can afford a monthly bus pass and I’ll also have some money to go out and pay for myself for a few things. Also, this gets me out of the house and into some form of routine, which is what I think I desperately need to get my head around life again.
I absolutely have to get my life in order, my debts are out of control but now I see a small light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve contacted a debt management charity to help me and I will get Ellipse under control by the end of the week.
I absolutely have to stop eating so much shit too. I should stop smoking. I should start studying properly.

I actually started writing this when I’d had this job for three days; I’m now entering my third week and have gone to the other end of the spectrum now. I feel like I should be doing so much more with my life and be earning more, already be living out of home, have my degree and have my career sorted. I should at least have my finances figured out. I hate this shit.
This job is the perfect little role to get me back used to working, and I’d only been there three days and I was fairly sure I’d already impressed them, but I just need to find ways to keep positive and drop all my negativity so I don't lose focus and start slacking. I know what I’m like, and just one criticism or mistake I make will be enough to make me run for the hills and because I have that lack of motivation at the moment I think it might not be long until I start to slip.

Last week, I was invited to another interview for a job I was SO sure I wanted when I was applying before I got this little temp job. It’s for a charitable organization that is only a five minute bus journey for me to get to and is in a town I’m really rather fond of. I was thrilled and slightly irritated about getting the interview, how typical to get this when I am finally in a job I don’t hate with people who I actually like and have respect for. I decided to go for the interview anyway, and I’m glad I did, it’s the first proper interview I’ve had for a while and it reminded me why I hate them so much. I was interviewed by two people, one extremely friendly and engaging woman, and one semi friendly, but uber professional suited man who obviously didn’t find my casual and friendly attitude towards the answers amusing. I was clearly unprepared and struggled through simple, standard interview questions as I tried to pull sentences out of my behind.
I left feeling tired and deflated, but happy I’d got through it. I’m utterly certain I won't be contacted for further interviews or for a job offer, but now I’ve been there, I realise how lucky I am to have the little job I have now.
This job is considerably more money, and although is still a part time offer, would give me more of a full time wage and I’d STILL have plenty of hours left in the day to do whatever else I’d like to do – shop, socialise, read, study, sit and distract myself with delusions of a rich life.

Today I’m feeling tense, I had a good weekend punctuated with something toxic that I’ll talk about another time, but I do not want to go into work. I want to be creative, I feel slightly stifled again and I don’t know why. I’m on no medication and that makes me happy, but I feel like I’m struggling to piece together thoughts of positivity even though there’s nothing going TOO wrong for me at the moment. Yes, I’m behind on my studies and yes, I still owe lots of money, but these things are becoming under control now that I’ve got some form of routine and plucked up the courage to do something about my debts.

 

Something About Nothing

I need to do something about my anger. I definitely have too much of it and it always bubbles up and boils over in the worst possible ways. I ALWAYS take my anger out on people I love, whether it’s their fault I’m angry or not, I find ways to make them accountable.

What happens in my brain is an utter cliché, it genuinely feels like something has just CLICKED inside me, and I have a right to be angry. I’ve noticed that the smallest thing can set me off, and it can be something that, if offered to me on a different day may well not budge my interest at all.

Right now, I’m in a very nonchalant mood. Things annoy me when I think about them, but I feel too drained to think about them. I have no motivation for anything right now, I should be happy about the feedback I’ve had recently, in terms of my professional persona, but I just couldn’t give a shit. I really, really should be worried about my OU module and be cranking up the reading, but again, I couldn’t give a shit. I should be exercising, I should be eating better, I should be reading, I should be writing. But I’m not. And I don’t really care.

It’s such a harmful place to be in when you feel so vulnerable and lonely like I do right now. Yes, I get that I am whinging, and I wish it didn’t come across like that, but I would probably respond the same way if I was a happy, mentally healthy adult reading my self-pitying shit. ‘Get up, get a job, do your shit and don't worry about anything or anyone else’. That’s the dream, right? It feels a million miles away from me at the moment. My debts, my anxiety about them, my social anxiety, my insecurities, my self-loathing, my crippling self doubt and my astonishing talent for lying has made sure that it stays firmly in the very, very distant future.

I don’t know really what I’m meant to do, I am starting to feel like routine is a big part of me feeling better, but with the work I want to do there is no chance of that happening. And if it DID happen...I’d probably just get bored anyway. I’ve had so many ideas about what to write recently, but I haven’t bothered writing any of them down and now I’ve lost them all. I had a huge post to write about anger, but I am simply not angry anymore. I had a huge post I wanted to write about Loyalty, but I don’t give a shit about the people who aren't loyal any more... and I am one of those people sooooo go figure.

I just can't seem to find that switch today, for someone to turn on a light and see that I am in darkness. I guess it’s better than being outrageously rude to the one person who loves me for who I am and deleting him off Facebook for no apparent reason other than to cause a fight. Although, when that happens, at least I know that flame inside my belly is back.

Life.

Emptiness

I haven’t written anything for a while and it seems to have had the exact effect I assumed it would on me. Writing, however good or bad I am at it, serves as therapeutic escape for me. 
I have had various up and down moments over the last weeks, but if I’m honest most of them have been downs.

I still don’t have a job.

I am still in debt.

I have lost no weight.

I still have issues with anxiety about going out.

I still have trust issues with my boyfriend.

I still find it hard to motivate myself to study.

I still haven't managed to tick anything off my ‘To do’ list which I've had for over a month.

I’m finding my life increasingly confusing as I flit from one mood to the next. One day I will be uber excited and proactive in my job search, the next I won't get out of bed until 1pm, and not get dressed all day. One day I feel carefree and un-intimidated by any of the issues my life consistently throws at me, and the next day, the smallest misunderstanding will literally have me in bits. I have days when I am filled with an arrogant, confidence where I believe I can take on the world and AM in a position of power and can do all the things I dream about, but they are few and far between recently and they are punctuated with self doubt and worry. I can't lead a normal life when one day I want to go out and tell the world how happy I am and that my life is going to change but then next I want to hide under the duvet and am overly insecure and hyper sensitive to everything anyone says to me.

It causes tension. It’s causing arguments.

I don't like myself very much but I AM sick of feeling this way. I’m sure people think I enjoy this self indulgent feeling sorry for myself but I really don’t. I can see the person I want to be – it’s like she’s right in front of me, funny, smart and warm – but I can't bring her to life. I can't find joy in the simplest things, and my confidence drops with every day that passes and I don’t fulfil my potential. I KNOW I can do this Open University module, but I just don't do it. I know I can be a social butterfly but I avoid it, I know I can be healthy but instead I choose cakes and crisps and sitting, I know I’d be happier if I sat and read but instead I waste away on the internet until family guy comes on at 11pm, I know if I write every day, I’ll eventually hone that skill and write something I like, but instead I just think about it. I just think about all these things and NOTHING motivates me to do them.

I look in the mirror and I’m not happy. Not with my exterior, and absolutely not the interior. I feel like I need a personality overhaul, but because my moods and emotions are literally all over the place, it’s never going to be possible. I don’t know how to control these feelings, I try to take medication but I do feel like although it takes the edge of my anxiety and my sharp, intense, pull-myself-apart moods, it takes away my passion for things. I feel stagnant. I feel empty. I feel unable to feel passion or motivation towards things. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat but I do. Everything ceases, which I understand is a good thing when it comes to my stress, anxiety and low mood, but it’s a terrible thing when it comes to my productivity and thirst for...well, anything. I seem incapable of forming opinions on anything that is important to me, and if I do find something I can focus on long enough to form an intelligent opinion, nine times out of ten it will only take someone else’s opinion on that same subject for my mind to change. I’m fickle and unreliable in my thought processes.

I can’t decide what the best thing to do is. I don’t want to be in limbo but I know the longer I stay off medication or any active method of elevating my mood the worse I will get. I will force arguments out of nothing and I will continue to see the bad in people and situations that don’t warrant it.

There are so many words floating through my mind at the moment that I want to express, but my self esteem doesn’t allow me to. I question every thought I have. I know there are plenty of people out there who feel and think the same as me, but I can’t find anyone to relate to. I haven't found anyone I can talk to openly and honestly about how I’m feeling without putting up some sort of front, some sort of mask that hides the real me and the real feelings I have. I’d love to be able to help people in a similar situation, I’d love to find that one person who I can talk to without fear of what they’ll think, without the fear that they’ll back stab and betray me, but I really don’t think they exist.

Lonely Dinner

So I’ve spent the first two hours of being awake today looking for and applying for jobs I KNOW I don't want, won't enjoy and probably won't stick at. It’s frustrating. I’m not particularly good at administration and I certainly don’t enjoy it, but it’s the only thing I have any palpable experience in. That and a customer facing role where if I know what I’m talking about, I know I can blag my way through and probably succeed if I don’t let my insecurities eat me alive.

People have this perception of me as being a people person. I somehow manage to be confident and warm towards people I don’t know, and have been known to crack a smile out of the most stubborn of people. I have no idea how this happens, because on the inside I am usually dying a little bit with every word that comes out of my mouth. I dread it, every second I have to talk to someone I feel like curling up into a ball and rolling away. It’s very easy to not be alone but feel very lonely. I feel this almost every day and it’s very difficult to explain to people who think you’re an honest, open, warm human being.

Suffice to say it’s not fun feeling like you’re the only person in a room full of people. And the people aren’t bad. The people sometimes even give a shit about how you feel and what you think, but a lot of the time, the barricade you put up and the mask you hide behind is SO good, cleverly concealing all those lies and hidden agendas you have, that no one notices you haven’t said a word worth listening to for years.
You shouldn’t burden these people with such problems. They don’t understand when their go to person for happiness is feeling less than stellar. It’s a lose-lose situation most of the time. I go round in circles thinking that I can fake my way through certain social situations, and usually I do. But there are times when people notice, and I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS run away in those situations. Rather than telling people what’s wrong or how I feel or if I’ve messed up, made a mistake or am just feeling slightly down, I would rather give the illusion that I’m just busy and have no time to chat. I realise that’s not fair on them, and I am only just starting to realise it’s not really fair on me, either.

I don’t know what’s happening to my body recently, but after a few weeks of not being able to sleep, I am now all of a sudden sleeping EXCESSIVELY. I slept for about ten hours last night and I’m STILL tired. The effects of the Sertraline are actually really frustrating. They have definitely made a positive difference, but I’m still stressed and I am making myself more stressed thinking about the things I have to do today. I have to go up to town tonight and I am DREADING IT. The thought of doing the journey that is, not what I’m doing once I’m there. The thought of getting on the train and tubes are genuinely frightening to me at the moment, I feel very, very uneasy but I HAVE to do this, if I back out now I will never forgive myself and I know the people involved will never forgive me either.

Today I’m going for dinner with three girls I have known for a little under two years, and who I think very highly of indeed. They are lovely, funny, clever girls and as a group we seem to get on really well, and individually we get on really well too. The thing is, I’ve spent the best part of six months avoiding them, with no real reason other than to hide away from the mistakes I made regarding my business, and I can sense their frustration with me. Back in March, I went all the way to Camden to go out for Trudy’s birthday and couldn’t get in to the place she was at so I went to a pub around the corner and misspelled the name of it in a text so they spent all night looking for a pub that didn't exist and I got drunk and then my battery died. It was freezing and raining and I was utterly mortified at myself for the mistake, but rather than explain it rationally, I avoided the questions and messages and phone calls, until it died down and I could get away with not discussing it.

When tragedy hit my family (I use that term loosely, as I no longer count my father or any of his relations ‘family’) Trudy was there, offering her support and shoulder to cry on – but I never took that opportunity. I ran and hid away. The same thing happened when I started missing appointments at work and Egita asked if I was ok... I didn’t respond to her and I instead stopped all access for others to be able to post things on my facebook wall, for fear of someone posting something someone else would see and pull me up on. I don’t know if that makes sense, but at the time, it seemed like the easiest option for me and I spent the next few months with my head buried in the sand.
When I look through their facebook profiles now, I can see I’ve missed out on so much. Trudy is in a lovely relationship and seems happy, which makes me SO happy I could burst because she is the one person in this world that I think really deserves it. Egita managed to find someone to carry on her business with her and seems to be thriving in both her career and her studies, and Zindzi... well; she is just the icing on the cake. Beautiful, stylish, caring and kind, Zindzi is the archetypal wonder-woman. There’s something about her that oozes calm and she is a welcome light in the darkness I bring to the table in this somewhat dysfunctional group. It’ll be the first time we’ve seen each other since April last year, and I have no idea if they’ve met up without me or how much contact everyone else has been in.

These girls don’t know it, but they gave me faith in friendships. They already have their own lives going on, with their own groups of friends and their own little cliques that I will never be a part of – but the fact that they have invited me to be part of their lives on a small scale, and that they STILL are willing to see and spend time with me after the shitty way I’ve treated them is something I am eternally grateful for, I don’t deserve it, and they don’t realise what it means to me. I know all this sounds terribly dramatic and over the top, perhaps it is. But it’s just how I feel right this second. The deafening silence I’ve surrounded myself with over the past few months has done nothing but hinder me and tonight I am going to take my chance to explain myself fully, openly and honestly to these three people, with the small hope that they might understand it a little bit better. It’s a MASSIVE jump for me, talking about depression, anxiety and the triggers that cause them.
These are people whose opinions and thoughts I care desperately about and I feel like I’ll be putting a HUGE part of myself out there, in their hands and only they can decide whether to hold on to it or drop it. I wouldn’t blame them if it was the latter, but I am hoping and praying that it’s the former.