Emptiness

I haven’t written anything for a while and it seems to have had the exact effect I assumed it would on me. Writing, however good or bad I am at it, serves as therapeutic escape for me. 
I have had various up and down moments over the last weeks, but if I’m honest most of them have been downs.

I still don’t have a job.

I am still in debt.

I have lost no weight.

I still have issues with anxiety about going out.

I still have trust issues with my boyfriend.

I still find it hard to motivate myself to study.

I still haven't managed to tick anything off my ‘To do’ list which I've had for over a month.

I’m finding my life increasingly confusing as I flit from one mood to the next. One day I will be uber excited and proactive in my job search, the next I won't get out of bed until 1pm, and not get dressed all day. One day I feel carefree and un-intimidated by any of the issues my life consistently throws at me, and the next day, the smallest misunderstanding will literally have me in bits. I have days when I am filled with an arrogant, confidence where I believe I can take on the world and AM in a position of power and can do all the things I dream about, but they are few and far between recently and they are punctuated with self doubt and worry. I can't lead a normal life when one day I want to go out and tell the world how happy I am and that my life is going to change but then next I want to hide under the duvet and am overly insecure and hyper sensitive to everything anyone says to me.

It causes tension. It’s causing arguments.

I don't like myself very much but I AM sick of feeling this way. I’m sure people think I enjoy this self indulgent feeling sorry for myself but I really don’t. I can see the person I want to be – it’s like she’s right in front of me, funny, smart and warm – but I can't bring her to life. I can't find joy in the simplest things, and my confidence drops with every day that passes and I don’t fulfil my potential. I KNOW I can do this Open University module, but I just don't do it. I know I can be a social butterfly but I avoid it, I know I can be healthy but instead I choose cakes and crisps and sitting, I know I’d be happier if I sat and read but instead I waste away on the internet until family guy comes on at 11pm, I know if I write every day, I’ll eventually hone that skill and write something I like, but instead I just think about it. I just think about all these things and NOTHING motivates me to do them.

I look in the mirror and I’m not happy. Not with my exterior, and absolutely not the interior. I feel like I need a personality overhaul, but because my moods and emotions are literally all over the place, it’s never going to be possible. I don’t know how to control these feelings, I try to take medication but I do feel like although it takes the edge of my anxiety and my sharp, intense, pull-myself-apart moods, it takes away my passion for things. I feel stagnant. I feel empty. I feel unable to feel passion or motivation towards things. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat but I do. Everything ceases, which I understand is a good thing when it comes to my stress, anxiety and low mood, but it’s a terrible thing when it comes to my productivity and thirst for...well, anything. I seem incapable of forming opinions on anything that is important to me, and if I do find something I can focus on long enough to form an intelligent opinion, nine times out of ten it will only take someone else’s opinion on that same subject for my mind to change. I’m fickle and unreliable in my thought processes.

I can’t decide what the best thing to do is. I don’t want to be in limbo but I know the longer I stay off medication or any active method of elevating my mood the worse I will get. I will force arguments out of nothing and I will continue to see the bad in people and situations that don’t warrant it.

There are so many words floating through my mind at the moment that I want to express, but my self esteem doesn’t allow me to. I question every thought I have. I know there are plenty of people out there who feel and think the same as me, but I can’t find anyone to relate to. I haven't found anyone I can talk to openly and honestly about how I’m feeling without putting up some sort of front, some sort of mask that hides the real me and the real feelings I have. I’d love to be able to help people in a similar situation, I’d love to find that one person who I can talk to without fear of what they’ll think, without the fear that they’ll back stab and betray me, but I really don’t think they exist.