Inexplicably, I am sitting in Starbucks again having not turned up to another interview, again.

Job hunting is fine when you’re behind the comfort of your screen and bigging yourself up, adjusting your CV and covering letter to make you sound more ‘together’ than you actually are. It normally is also fine up until the morning of the interview, should you be lucky enough to get chosen for one, until it actually comes to leaving the house.
For me, this is the crux of the issue when it comes to job interviews, getting there. 

So, recently, I have been invited to a total of six interviews, only one did I manage to turn up for.
Reading that last sentence REALLY pains me. It makes me so angry and so embarrassed at myself for being so stupid. I can only really tell you the reason for not attending one of them, which would probably have ended up being the best one as it was for the least amount of hours (12) and for the most amount of wage hourly (£20), and it just sounded like the EXACT kind of thing I can do and do well, but I didn’t go and that’s because I had a mammoth unexpected hangover. The rest of them, well, I just sent myself into oblivion and lost myself in a fog of denial.

I really like to think, if I had gone to each of these job interviews I would have at least been offered one of them, and if I had I obviously would have jumped at accepting because my financial situation is absolutely critical right now. In fact, just thinking about that particular area of my life has sent my anxiety utterly soaring.
Anxiety is a thing that is so difficult to explain to others, who are yet to experience it. I have no doubt I have been experiencing it all my life without properly taking notice of how it’s been manifesting – everyone gets nervous about answering the phone, right?
For me, it is short, sharp bursts of intense adrenaline shooting up and down my body making my chest feel like it’s about to explode, I usually get shaky and warm, sometimes I sweat and I find it almost impossible swallow or to speak without a quiver in my voice.
This can happen just before I step into a new building, meet a new person, pick up the phone, make a phone call, type an email or look in the mirror. I’ve noticed recently, after having made some more disastrous choices about my role as a ‘business owner’ that these have felt less like bursts and more like extended periods of continual upheaval in my heart.

Having only been on my medication a week, I can see it’s helped physically. It’s almost like my body fights itself, like it WANTS to be anxious but there’s a wall my anxiety can't burst through. It’s still there, but it seems easier to swallow.
I can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Should I be lucky enough to land a job in the next few weeks, how am I going to cope with gulping down my fear and holding in my nerves while trying to learn about a new role and impress people I don’t care about? That thought alone is enough to put me off even looking anymore.
I’m not very good at anything in particular; I don’t enjoy anything in particular. There is no specific career path I want really, and there isn’t one that I can see myself staying in. Don’t get me wrong, people say at 26 this is still young and perfectly normal, there are millions of people my age going through the EXACT same thing, but they are still in their bottom rung position hating life or making waves and paving the way for a heart attack before 40. I don’t want to be a part of either of those lives, but I can’t seem to de-compartmentalise my thoughts for long enough to make sense of things.

The thought of sitting at a desk, welcoming people to an office and serving them tea, coffee etc until my smile freezes my face hurts me. I don’t know why. What I really WANT right now is a job I can be alone in. I don't care how boring it is, how mind numbing or even easy it is. I just want to sit in a room, be it at home or somewhere else, by myself, without having to talk to anyone. What job can I have that has zero communication? Is there such a role? Does it exist? If there is one, I want it.

I can’t bare being around people at the moment. Even my friends, people who care about me and seemingly are worried about me; I just don’t want to talk to them. I feel exactly the same way with my family and my boyfriend at the moment too. All I want to do each day is curl up in a ball and get through, wasting away from one precious minute to the next. And with that, how am I expected to get a job and keep it? How am I expected to get up every morning and force myself into a situation that I don’t belong in?
I know I NEED to do this, there’s simply no way my life can continue the way it is, the guilt I place upon myself because the burden I am on my family is too great, and the weight of heart every time my poor mum comes home from the job she hates breaks me.

It’s funny, not having a job makes me feel worthless, but then the jobs I have had have made me feel worthless, and now, I think I am too worthless for the interviews I’ve been offered. When this cycle will end, I don’t know, but it needs to end soon or I could find myself in hotter water than ever before, and because of my avoidance personality traits, no one will ever know until my world comes toppling down around me and I cannot hide anymore.

Its funny how I think I’m too good for jobs that pay minimum wages, but not good enough for jobs that would pay me more. I won't consider applying for a job that pays less than £10 an hour because I NEED to earn more, but I also don’t put any effort into jobs that come with more responsibility (and therefore pays more) because of my absolute crippling self doubt – does that make sense? Am I totally alone in feeling like this?
I’ve never really properly signed on either because of my anxiety about going there and admitting that I am not only jobless, but worthless too, which brings me exactly back to my first point.

I can feel my anxiety rising again, perhaps it’s the small coffee I had, perhaps it’s my continual self deprecating thought processes about working and making more mistakes and not being very good at anything.

The Intro

So, my first, ‘blog post’. My first post that I'm going to share with the world about the one thing I feel I have some jurisdiction to write about, mental illness.

To those of you reading this and don’t know who I am, feel free to leave, judge or comment. My purpose of being here is to no longer be scared of you. The many, many times I have written something, published it and then immediately either deleted it or done EVERYTHING in my power to make sure no one I know actually reads it is, well, unquantifiable. Suffice to say, it is a lot of times.
And to those of you reading this that DO know me personally, you can also feel free to leave, judge, or comment. My purpose of being here is to no longer be scared of you too.

This might all sound a little confusing and self indulgent, but bare with me, it’ll get interesting.

I realised a while ago I was fucked. I realised not longer after I realised I was fucked that I had been fucked for a LONG time. We’re all being fucked by someone, and I don’t mean in the nice, go out for dinner beforehand kind of way.

Have you settled into adult life? Are you working in the bottom rung position, arse licking everyone in sight? Yeah, that bad taste in your mouth each morning isn’t just morning breath – it’s that bitter taste of crap you swallow every time you smile sweetly at someone you hate or laugh flakily at unfunny jokes in an office that reeks of fakes and floozies and people absolutely destined to become subjects of your nightmares.
Do you have an adequate degree yet? Are you working towards one? Did you give up education to have children?  Do you have a mortgage for a house you don’t want and can’t afford? Are you in love? Would you fight for it? Does it consume you? Or are you lonely, confused, miserable and promising yourself tomorrow will be different?
Wherever you are, and (I appreciate my list is limited – there are other places in life to be, I know), I bet it’s not an easy or comfortable place to be.

As I catapult myself towards the 27^th year of being wretched on this wretched planet, I can’t help but wonder – when will this shit not be so shit? It’s no longer a question of ‘are you fucked?’ but more – ‘how fucked are you’?
Not sure how to answer that one for myself and not sure I ever will. My life has so far been a series of disastrous mistakes, from the small food choice I make on a daily basis to fairly large job choices, friend choices, relationship choices and ultimately, trust choices. Not just in my relationships, but within myself. I have NEVER, EVER trusted myself to make a correct decision, EVER.

I pour over every word I type, speak and think, and still never quite feel I’ve used the right one. It’s utterly exhausting. I beat myself up on a daily basis about the way I look, talk, sound, think, feel and how other people see me. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely felt ‘at ease’.
This year has been an exceptionally bad one. Not because of ‘what’s happened’, shit happens every day to everyone and I get that. I don’t think my situational position this year have landed me with my current grey cloud, I can't pinpoint what has.
Suffering largely in silence my whole life, I have never spoken about the exact way I feel to anyone during any of my emotional break downs, and looking back through my life there has been plenty, whether I've realised this or not. I have ALWAYS covered up how I feel. I have omitted or fabricated critical pieces of information and situations to try and make myself not just look and sound better, but feel better too. I don’t think I've ever told the complete truth about my life and how I feel about it, ever.
So I have recently been put on a medicine called ‘Sertraline’ which has so far calmed me down physically. Over the last week I have not once had a sweaty, shaky, heart pounding episode of fear that has struck me repeatedly in various situations over the last few years. I also haven’t felt like beating the shit out of anyone who says hello to me in the wrong way OR crying my heart out over an overdue message from my boyfriend. I’ve THOUGHT about behaving that way, I just haven’t physically wanted to. So, for a week, for me, that’s pretty good.

My life is not where I want it to be. It’s not what I want it to be and I am not who I want to be. And the funny thing is, I think a lot of people who are on the outside looking into my life and who take the things I tell them at face value (why wouldn’t you?) think my life is pretty okay. Well it’s not, and it hasn’t been for a very long time and I have FINALLY decided to be honest and open about it in the most narcissistic way possible, another little blog that I’ll probably forget about once the meds kick in and I ‘feel better’.

I know SO many people who are in a similar boat as me. Frustrated, lonely, tired, sad, embarrassed and nowhere near ready to face this world and talk about all the shit that bogs them down. I have lived in the presence of genius and watched it decline until the point of utter obscurity. I have also lived in the presence of mediocrity and that, too, is no better. People deserve much more than this uncomfortable way of living – dying a little every day just to succeed in a world that doesn't want you.

Whatever this turns out to be – I just want people to know that I feel alone, and many, many others do too. We’re not. I need help in realising that I am not, so this is a little plea for help, compassion and understanding.

It’s also a massive ‘fuck you’ to the stigma’s that attach itself to us, our little colony of grey clouded mind fucks who have no idea what the problem is, but just know there’s a problem.

I’m late to this party, and I didn’t bring a gift for the host. Hopefully that means once I’ve left I won't be invited back.